My Own God

I have a personal God. My own God. It keeps a watch over me. It checks what decisions I am making. It wants to lead me to something. I don’t know what it is. I have an inkling about ‘The Thing’ but I am not sure. It is hazy, vague.. My God keeps on giving me tough situations to make me move more and more towards it. Situations where I have to make some really tough decisions, situations wherein I learn something more about myself. And then he sits and watches. I will not say he has fun when he sees me going through the turmoil, but he feels satisfied, he cheers me from the stands.. and he cheers me the loudest. He really wants me to fight it and come out a winner, he really wants me to get as frustrated as possible so that when I get out of it, the message will be louder, clearer. I will have moved substantially towards ‘The Thing’ though not completely. (I sometimes wonder whether I ever will be able to find ‘it’ completely? Then I wonder as to whether I really want to? Isn’t it more interesting this way?) I don’t know what he does when he sees me moving in the entirely wrong direction. I think he makes me go through some more turmoil then. He too desperately fights while I fight. And what if in the end, despite his and my efforts I make the wrong decision? What then if I instead take a lot of steps away from ‘The Thing’? I don’t know that. I don’t think my God is so weak that he will give up so soon. But how soon is too soon? Is it already past the ‘soon’ phase? Will there be a day when I will stop seeing him? Will there be a day when I will stop feeling his presence around me? Will it so happen that my God will give up on me but eventually realise that he cant let me go where I am heading and just get back to me, slap me and start working on me again? And when he does, will I listen to him or will I be already so far away that I will ignore his call? My God is, I believe, something inside me. May be my own conscience(?).