Why?

Friend: What is the logic behind having a kid?
I mean, why in this world would I want to disturb or give up my current life?

Me: There is no logical reason, only an emotional one.

Friend:..and which is?

Me: Someone to love insanely and having someone who loves you back even more.
Such a beautiful relationship as a part of your life makes it so awesome.

Friend: (Raising an eyebrow sarcastically) That's your reason? Isn't it too much of a  trouble for this?
It is such a major responsibility and my life is gone once I become a mother.

Me: That is such an awesomely perfect reason!
And about the responsibility bit, well, I love having this responsibility. I love having to create a little person.
It does overwhelm me at times but a step at a time and it works.
As for my old life, I don't miss it. I just don't.
I miss some activities rarely but very momentarily.

Friend: And then why did you scream that day on whatsapp saying you needed a break? (sarcy smile)

Me: Who said that I don't feel like pulling my hair out and sneaking away to check myself into a hotel room for a full night's sleep?
And I know what I will do if I ever check myself alone into a hotel now for a break.

Friend: And what is that?

Me: I will check pictures of his on my phone through the night :-)

Disturbingly illogical and profoundly fulfilling, truly.

Therapy

Something did not feel right...

A strange unease. Restlessness...

What was happening?

I could not focus on work, the office seemed too stuffy, the AC too strong.

Enough is enough I decided.

I picked my laptop, chose a secluded spot.

Then Amazon, Fashion n You, Flipkart... shop shop shop...

With every item added to the cart I felt slightly better. I could feel the restlessness reducing.

And finally after buying 10 items of clothing (all necessary), I finally felt good.

Phew!

Thank God for online shopping :)

5 Reasons

As a woman in a highly demanding and rewarding job; having a baby may seem like a break - one that can set you back by atleast a few years even if you resume work as soon as your maternity leave ends, because mothering does not end with maternity leave.

From this side, I can clearly recall my dilemma when I wondered the need for a child. Then, a baby for me meant a break in the career for which I had worked so hard. A baby meant never again, atleast for a few years, being able to put in those crazy hours at work. And I did love my work.

(There were other non-work related reasons too for the dilemma. But this post is not about those)

But now on this side, here are a few reasons which would have made my decision a little easier and the break look a little less like a 'break' - 

2. A baby is the best motivation, beyond any self-help book.
My baby for me is someone who is continuously watching me, imitating me, and learning from me. So even if he is not around I want to do the right thing. I will be his role model atleast for some years. I want the model to be good.
My baby taught me patience, anger management, rational thinking, standing up for self and others, speaking up and accepting things I cannot change.
A lot of which that the non-mother me always wanted to learn but had never managed to.

3. Mothering, especially after I resumed work, made me realise that I am a superwoman.
Before my baby, a hectic day at work would mean that I would flop on the sofa and do nothing till bed time. Sleep for 8 hours straight and go back to work still reeling from the effects of the previous hectic day.
After baby, a typical day is atleast twice as tough as the then hectic day, and the sleep hours are about 6 with atleast 2-3 sessions of diaper change / feed / water.
Yet I have managed to make very important presentations the next day and managed pretty well.
I never really knew I was capable of stretching myself so much. But I now know. And my baby will not forever be so demanding (atleast in terms of the physical effort required of me).
And then, I know I will be able to pull off much more than the non-mother me was ever capable of :-)

4. Sensitive me.
I was always pretty sensitive to people, to sufferings of people, towards the environment.
A baby however has shown me a completely different level of sensitivity. These days, I certainly show much more regard to trees, plants, animals. Towards underprivileged kids or tragedies. I smile more at strangers, I befriend them more. The world overall seems like a kinder place and I WANT to make it a kinder and nicer a place.

5. Awareness
A lot of self-awareness gyaan revolves around how we 'look' and don't really 'see'.
Or how we 'hear' and don't 'listen'.
Well, I now notice every small thing and noise. I never knew that a concrete mixer was so fascinating nor had I realised how super cute an autorickshaw really looks.
But now I notice. I know how to 'see'.


There is of course the tough stuff to this. A baby does test you in more ways than you could imagine. 
But apart from the sentimental reasons, above reasons surely make a great case for that tiny career break. Consider that as an education sabbatical. Afterall you certainly do emerge out of it smarter, better, and more awesome.

PS:
The no 1 reason will always be - 
1. One more person to love you. Fiercely.
Can you ever have enough people who love you like crazy? 
Having one more certainly makes life awesome :-)

So how does this work?

Every morning I make a decision. A tough one at that but once made it makes it easy for me to go through the day.

Each morning I decide how much of a mother I can be today.
Will I be a 100% mother? 80% mother? 50% mother or 20% mother.
100% is on weekends.

80% is on very relaxed work days when i can leave early for some reason... Come home, play with Kabir, feed him something interesting, take him out probably.

50% is on regular workdays. Come home on time... Take him swimming or to the garden, feed him, read a book to him.. Put him to sleep.

20% is on days like today. Leave early for office, Come home late, by which time he has already had his food.. Put him to sleep.

Every day I strive to achieve a max percentage of this.

Which also means that each day I try and minimise my other commitment.

Also, irrespective of how much of a mother I am on each day, I am a 100% mother mentally. All the time. subconsciously if not consciously  thinking as a mother me.
How under these circumstances can I ever manage to match up to the performance of the pre-mother me?

Yes I can decide that all weekdays will be 30% or less of mothering and weekends will MOSTLY be all his.
Some do that. And those are the few ones that stand as an exception against the otherwise men majority company leaders.

There are other ways to this -
1. You work for a company which allows you to be a 50-80% mother on all days yet also trusts you enough to put you in a high stakes, key role.
(Oh the work culture shift that this will require!)

2. You be happy with 30% mothering. Kids actually may turn out to be fine irrespective and let your Mother in Law/caretaker/daycare be the 100% mother.
You do not have the option of staying in a conventional work culture company, in a key role, and be a close to 100% mother.

Reason? Simple. There are enough others, who can give their 100% to do your job.
The option 3 then is, to make your 20% 'non-mothering' still better than a 100% of that of those others?

Can you be thaaaat awesome?

PS- percentages in a blog post are a clear indication that I must now get my head out of that darn powerpoint!

Love thy job

The world keeps doing a seemingly important task. Of reminding you of what you do not have.
That's how progress (consumerism) works after all.
It is quite interesting how it on one hand tells you to have the bigger phone, smarter house and at the same time tells you that you must love your job and not work for money.
It is a thorough recipe for making one feel miserable about his or her life.
Dangling a carrot above you and then telling you that building steps to get that carrot is wrong if you do not like building steps.
Love your job. Follow your passion. Shun the 8-7 routine. And then be prepared to be snubbed by that loooong car you see from the auto rickshaw. Brain f***ing material.
The question then arises is does everyone have the luxury to do this? For some the carrot is simply two square meals.
That apart my key point here is of capability and your passion.
In an ideal self - help book you may read that when you are passionate about something you give in your best and the result is always miraculous. Yes. For you.
Is it miraculous enough to get you to the carrot?
Having the luxury to follow your passion is one thing.
But having the Capability to do so, is a different part altogether.
All the inspirational photos and quotes must come with this disclaimer.
So people stop feeling guilty or miserable for taking the road most travelled.
Afterall there are many who did not get an opportunity to travel even that one.
Alternatively, chuck the carrot and go for a lemon instead. Lemons are good too. I like lemons.

The Working Mother

The term can offend mothers who choose to be stay-at-home-moms.
They work too and a lot. But well, this post is not about Stay-At-Home-Mothers versus 'Working mothers'.

This post is also not about 'working mothers'. It is about corporates and how they deal with them.
Actually it is not even about that.

It is actually a rambling by a mother who is trying to do too much of 'working' and wants to do a lot of mothering too, and is thus trying to figure out how to become a super human.

Women's day just went by and like every year, a lot was said and appreciated. On social media, it was all about Nirbhaya and on the corporate media, it was all about gender-balance.

Corporations traditionally were made by the men for the men and of the men.
The culture of course thus evolved around them and according to what suited them. They had wives at home looking after their kids and they could work full-time to provide for them.

Thus came the corporate culture with its 45-50 hours a week working, weekends on call, networking on evening drinks, and Commitment to work. Make work your no.1 priority or perish.
When women entered this field, they were in minority and had to adjust to this culture. Some survived till they had a kid and others decided that it was not worth it.

Till companies realised that their leadership teams severely lacked women and woke up to the reality of their company's 'for men, of men' culture.

Steps are now taken to modify current systems to suit women.
Most women's no.1 priority will be their family. Make no mistake there.
Thankfully this fact is now acknowledged and companies are trying to ensure that they become a very close second priority which does not come in the way of her fulfilling the first.

Thus, extended maternity leaves, work-from-home options, sensitization workshops, transport facilities are coming into picture.

I am sure these will save a lot of women of the difficult decision of shelving their careers till such time as the child is old enough (And when exactly is that?).
By which time however, she loses touch with her field and starting where she left becomes difficult.

So yes. These policies, the latest announcement coming from Vodafone, can make a difference. To some extent.

But let's look at the bigger picture here. This woman is competing against her male counterparts.
These men continue to put in those long hours, without having to worry about whether the kid has pottied today.

Can these companies guarantee that on the darned bell-curve, she will be given equal opportunity to be in the top percentile? Without bias? Without her feeling forever indebted to the organisation for this 'favour'?
Yes, she will get her full-pay, now.

And if you guarantee that she will be judged basis the fact that her work responsibilities were reduced and correction will be done to ensure there is no impact on her ratings and promotions, is that fair to the men who have worked harder than her at this job?

It is tricky this gender-balance thing. As one of my cousins had said "women have all the fun. They get free salary for a good 9 months when they have a child, and when the come back also they don’t work and rush home early."
I am waiting for the time when his wife becomes a 'working mother' but till then,  this is gender-discrimination against him and it will show up in his attitude when he deals with his women counterparts and reportees.

These tactical changes are few and as I said 'tactical'. If companies genuinely want to build a culture which suits women, they need to do much more, and without tilting the balance the other way either.

The solution? How about building from scratch a culture around women instead of taking these corrective steps in the existing culture?
And how will that look like?

Well, for starters, how about having a creche as a compulsory corporate facility, just like a canteen now is?
And then using technology to help women work when they want. Smart phones, smart computers, use them.
How about networking over play-dates too and not just over drinks?
Babies have extremely varied sleep-play-cranky time patterns. Asking all women to be available from 9-5 is like assuming all babies will be cooperative at the same time. Impossible.
Yes, there is a certain time when all need to be available to ensure no work is blocked. But that's what calendars are for.
And I am sure if you have to try hard to set up a meeting, the commitment will be honoured and also the time will not be wasted. Not to mention the cutting down of a lot of unnecessary meetings.

And this is good for office based employees. What about those that need travelling? Sales?

Firstly, a culture of 'of women for women' will really help ensure there is minimum unnecessary travel. Thus, the system gets automatically efficient.
As for sales calls, yes they have to be done when they have to be done. But how about making 1-2 each day which genuinely work out and not doing 13 of which none do? Or having an option of carrying your baby and nanny to the meeting wherein they can wait up in the nearby mall?
You can work things out if you want to.
May sound difficult to implement at first, but it will certainly make for a great loyal employee base, and a very efficient one at that.

The idea here being that, making ad hoc and tactical changes to the existing culture and structure will do little to ensure the equality.

A culture made by the women, for the women, and of the women of which men also become a part, and not the other way round will make the real difference.

Not to mention the happier kids of these men who will see their fathers more often and happier (stress-free) wives as well :)



PS: One day some day I dream of setting up such an organisation. Amen!

PS2: As a friend pointed out, the above culture sounds like tilting the balance otherway. That was not the point though. 
When we say a culture taking into consideration the other commitments as well, it surely applies to men too.
and the commitment is NOT necessarily kids but it could simply be a hobby you wanted to always pursue.
Bottomline - If technology has helped us work faster, why do we have to now work for more hours per day than we had to a few decades ago? 

Pseudo family


Corporate job comes with benefits (apart from the monthly paycheck).

It gives your life a routine. it also gives you an opportunity for social interaction – even if formal.

Being at home, if there is anything I miss, it is this part.

I love baby-talk alright, but I do crave for some grown-up talk too.

So I have found this new social circle for myself consisting of 3 other women.

They are quite cool and we meet up every morning. In fact, if on any particular day, any one of them decides to not show up, it gets pretty sad.

So these women and I chat up about anything and everything… and instead of chilling around the water cooler, we chill around the paani ka matka.

It is amazing how much knowledge they have about topics such as baby-care, first-aid, baby food or even current affairs and political issues.

Pretty well-informed a bunch I must say. Certainly broader in terms of the topics we discussed at office Chai sessions.

Chatting up over chai was always fun in office, and it continues to be so with these ladies.

We also discuss family issues extensively and are there to help out each other if the need arises.

If on someday I am unwell, I can be sure that these women will extend a kind word and even go out of their way to make me feel better.

If I am too engrossed in work, they will remind me that I haven’t had my breakfast or that my chai is getting cold.

When Kabir gets super difficult, I can trust these women to understand and help me out with him.

They don’t come even close to a family, but they most certainly are my best support after them.


My house-maid, nanny, and cook. They rock :)