When your heart is turmoil 
 and your head a mess
 
when they both aint going in the same direction
 and all is a chaos...
 when you know you have got to do it,
 but you do not know how...
 when you grapple for support outside
 with a realisation however 
 that strength has to be seeked from within...
 when your heart bleeds to know
 what all you have to leave
 when memories kill you
 and the mere idea brings tears
 when you know it is not an end to one thing
 but many a things
 and you wonder what scares you more- 
 a life without it 
 or a life with its haunting memories..
 when you wish there was something, anything
 that would make this simpler
 which would pull you out
 without making you find that inner strength to do it
 Coz the inner strength shall not manifest itself,
 for, for long it has been derived from the very thing it now has to kill...
 complicated though it sounds
 it is as simple as that,
 An end to a lot of beautiful things
 A beginning to the unknown...

Post long overdue

Since the last post and this, a lot has happened. Life has been rocking…

To list a few things, won strategym, celebrated yet another Diwali,wrote an exam, saw Mumbai shake with terror... lots of things.

 At each time thought of posting something, but it was one of those times when your brain is all so messed up that writing sounds like too much effort...

But it has now become a vicious circle i think. brain muddled -> i dont write -> brain stays muddled.... so gonna write.

 The things that happened....

1) Strategym win: A proud moment of course and as rathi says, it took a long time to come…

2) Diwali: Well, I am in love with this festival since 4th standard. This was the year when my and mom’s annual diwali ritual of visiting main road started. We would make a shopping list and go to main road. The list included small small rather insignificant things like rangoli colors to laxmi pavla stickers…
but i used to so look forward to those trips, I still do.
The enthusiasm there is in the air…With its twisting narrow lanes jam packed with people and all the lights and colours and overall festive mood it is simply awesome… Lights, colors, crackers and puja… I just love festivals and this one in particular. This diwali I kept wondering as to where will I be for the next diwali????

 3) Exam: hmmm… Now these were amazing too. I don’t remember writing any examination paper in my life without reading a word about the subject matter.

I did it this time and I have reasons to believe I have fared pretty well! Oddly actually, exam time was when I believe we actually got some time to relax in our otherwise hectic time… (another benefit of being in marketing)

 4) Loads of presentations: The less we talk about them the better it is.

 5) Mumbai attacks : Howmuchever we talk about these is less.

A slap not on the politicians face but on the innocent citizens who are being made a fool of by the underqualified, undeserving people who are supposedly governing our nation.

Lack of capability is sickening and worse still when such people lead us, it is like making a jackass out of the educated, innocent Indian.

I believe Mumbai has finally awakened.

I never really was proud of the ‘Spirit of Mumbai’ coz more than the spirit it was indifference when people got back to their routine without so much as a genuinely angry retort against the politicians.

But this time around it is different. Somehow there is a feeling of ‘enough is enough’ and I hope it leads to some solid results.

I hate to say this, but finally things will move… coz US will make them move.

Another mockery of the biggest democracy of the world.

 PS: A lot to come. Now I am gonna BEBO  (for all those blogging illiterate folks out there, it means Blog Early, Blog Often)…

phew, kept my promise alright :)

Strange stranger

Strangers behave strange at times. (Is that why they are called strangers??) A few days back as my cab waited at the Oberoi signal for it to turn green, my head was a super chaos with a cacophony of innumerable mindless thoughts... There were so many of them and so senseless, it was as if each one was competing to be more useless than the other and I was sitting back and enjoying them fight :) The strange medley that they were together creating was apparently reflecting as a weird expression on my face! “Why is the red man blinking? He usually doesn’t blink does he?” “and oh, this indicator is so in sync with the blinking man! See.. On.. Off.. On.. Off... totally in sync.. hmm” “What if there was a straight bridge from here across to my hostel rather than this curved one.. would it not have been faster.. but then everybody would want a bridge and then it would have been another classic ruin situation... hmm” (These are some of the mentionable thoughts that were crossing my head at that time.) And then, as if someone suddenly pushed the pause button on a heavy loud rock music, my thoughts were interrupted by a loud “Madam!” I looked around for the source of this interruption. A gentleman in late fifties in a long shiny black car standing next to my cab was calling out to me... Of course I was surprised and thanks to all the thought-music frozen in my mind and on my face, I only stared at him... “Madam, dont think so much and dont think so loud! ” He said, with a smirk on his face... as if he had read my thoughts and was so totally amused... sort of teasing me... for it was obvious I would not have wanted anybody to really know what I was thinking of... but he knew... and as if to confirm what I was thinking, he added “yeah, I can read your mind you know! Dont think so loud..” and before I could gather myself, before I could push the cloud of thoughts hung in mid air in my head aside to take in what he had said, the signal turned green and he sped off. The taxi driver though was furious... (apparently he understood english) “inko kya karna hai koi kitna bhi soche... aap itna andar baithe ho phir bhi aapko bulaya... budhha aadmi tha sharam nahi aati!!” he went on ranting. But I was totally amused. I dont know whether he really read my mind or was the music in my head so loud that it disturbed the music in his head... Or may be he was plain bluffing... but whatever it was, he made me realise that at any time, if I took a cross section of my mind, I will see atleast 20 different thoughts... and thoughts so wierd and so irrelevant, I wonder how much mind space i waste on them and why? But if he was not bluffing, and he was indeed able to read my mind... It amuses me to think how totally crazed he must have been to read behind the wierd expression on my face :)

Pitter patter rain drops...

There is a deafening thunder as I write this post Nasik lately has been witness to floods and heavy rain. Such rain it had not witnessed in the past forty years! The weather outside is beautiful. It has not started pouring yet, but the thunder gives a fore warning of their arrival.. Its dark.. almost as if its late evening.. Nothing sounds more tempting now than a blanket, a cup of hot coffee and a novel... This is the season for the one of my favourite flowers - white butterfly ginger lily... better known as sontakka in marathi. It sits pretty in my living room right now.. spreading a beautiful fragrance which is second only to the scent of wet mud that comes from outside. As I look outside the window at the tiny drops of water that have started to slowly make the garden tiles polka dotted, I wonder whether, away from this peace, I also have a super hectic and run-all-the-time life when I am in Mumbai...? This is so contrast to all that.. so serene.. so calm.. It has started to pour now.. my garden is all wet and the atmosphere chilly. One more loud thunder and the force of the rain increased... I wish I could go out and get drenched... but I cant. I have fever :( The pitter patter on the shed outside reminds me of the poem "I hear thunder... I hear thunder.. oh do u? Pitter patter rain drops..." which my bro used to sing in nursery in a typical sing-song manner of his... I can picture him in his navy blue tiny pants and making cute finger movements while saying "pitter patter rain drops".. :) Oh I so simply love rains... the wet garden... the thunder.. the occasional lightening... the cool breeze... the peace.. the calm and the pitter patter rain drops...

Young @ 80

Its her birthday today and this post is dedicated to her though she will not be reading it ever.
Wish she could. 
I am sure she would have cried. 
The super senti woman that she is.
 She cries the most in my family I think.
She used to cry every time she read the 'hostel' poem I wrote.
  Whenever I go home, she is the person I talk to the most. she goes on and on...

  "So how is Neha? when is raji's shaadi? what does her husband do? what is neha's sister doing now? where is prachi now? how is tarang doing? What do you eat at the hostel? how do you sleep at the hostel? blah..blah..

She has to know everything. and she does know everything. 

I so love yapping my time away with her...and get updates of the whole family from her... We dont argue much... the only few topics (on which too we have agreed to disagree) being my sleeveless dresses and my dirty jeans.

  She loves chocolates, ice-creams, jalebis, moong dal sheera and pav-bhaji... in the same order.. but if you really ask her, she will deny and say she really isnt too much of a foodie..

At home, the most beautiful moments are when I wake up in the morning and go back to sleep with my head in her lap... and she gets sentimental and asks me if I will remember her when she is gone... 

and how much ever you insist that you will, she will not believe you... She celebrates her 80th birthday today...

@ 80 she hardly looks or behaves her age... She works enough to put a 40 year old to shame.

We call her the most reliable reminder...

She can discuss with you about anything and everything under the sun and crack genuinely pathetic jokes with you... some of them are at times straight dirty!

She is a total sweetheart... A lady who has seen and gone through much in life. One of the most sensible and strong people I know.. Happy birthday ajji :)

Emptiness

I read in the speaking tree an article about Abhinav Bindra saying he felt a strange emptiness after winning the gold. Not that he was unhappy but somehow he felt empty. For, all his life he had strived for this moment... and now finally when the moment had arrived it made him realise his quest is over. Over time he had come to enjoy his journey towards the Olympic gold. A dream of every sportsman. Now what will he strive for? I mean really at the age of 26 he is left with no goal to pursue! Well that’s kind of depressing isn’t it :)

I experienced the same emptiness yesterday. Since last year when i bought my laptop i had been trying to make a record in by winning minesweeper, the expert level on my laptop. I had cleared the novice and the intermediate long back but the expert level kept eluding me.

I would reach the end of the game most of the times and then there used to be a pure chance based decision and yes it would mostly turn out to be wrong... and then I would ask God as to why does he do that? Shouldn’t success always depend on the person’s ability and not on pure chance factor?

But yesterday, after 436 unsuccessful attempts, when i clicked the last cell which made me win the game finally... I felt awesome... :) but once it was over and it merely asked me if i wanted to play again, i realised now there was no goal left in my life! I had mastered minesweeper’s expert level too...!!!

Now what will i do every time my internet is super slow and i am looking for a time pass till the site opens? I realised what Abhinav Bindra must have felt like... emptiness...

Guess now I should move onto some other game. However, in the end it is always an emptiness that will greet me...

Guess as it says, enjoy the journey to Ithaca, the demons, the beauty, everything of it, coz Ithaca in itself will hold nothing for you, but don’t be disappointed when you find Ithaca and realise it has nothing to offer, remember it offered you the journey and all the riches you gathered along the journey.. Ultimately that is what Ithaca was really about!

But all said and done I must say Microsoft windows should at the least have some place wherein it records the names of the high scorers.. I mean honestly for all the efforts that i put in in the 437 games all i get is a window asking me whether i wanted to play again!!

Well, why will i want to play again... when I have just won my personal Olympic gold of it :)

Premonition

Premonition of something big dying to happen trying to happen.. ignoring not going to work anymore confrontations finally need to be done... but isn't change supposed to be gradual? not if you refuse to acknowledge things i guess, not if you stash them up in the cupboard at the back of your mind... One day it is ought to burst, and burst with full force.. bidding the old good-bye is always tough, but i guess the time has come.. its again a now-or-never situation (one of the many that i have been seeing lately) change now or be a disaster... A new end... A new beginning...

Why take the road less travelled?

Time and again lines by Robert Frost fall on my ears 'I took the road less travelled, and that has made all the difference'. Well, i wonder how much courage will one really need to take up a road less travelled. There will be demons all along the path, all the time misleading you, discouraging you. Time and again your path will cross with the one which has been tread by millions and you will be tempted to get onto it.. Self-doubt will grip u time and again.. At times the path will even lead you to dead end.. and here you will need courage to turn around, and say to yourself, "alright, so this is surely not the way that leads me to my mecca" and start all over again. you will trip many a times, and trip you will more than you would have on the other road, and there will be no one to pick you up and brush your knees.. but yes, you may rest assured that if you trip, there will not be people taking advantage of it.. So well there are a few positives afterall.. but very few indeed. So wat would tempt a person to take this road? When he will travel on this road, he will have the freedom to sit and enjoy the view at times. He will not have to constantly worry on what fellow travelers are upto! on this path,there will not be any established rules and so it will be he who will write the rules. On this road, there will have been lesser heroes to burden him.. On this road, there will be unspoilt, untouched beauty.. beauty no one has ever witnessed.. On this road you will be alone, alone enough to hear the voice of your God. On this road, you will be as close to Him as you could ever be.. and this road will lead you to your Mecca, sooner or later.. This road will make all the difference afterall..

Ajji

She had 11 grand children. 5 grandsons and 6 granddaughters... but she always believed it was a mistake. 1 girl was to be a boy.Me. And she was not very discreet in making her opinion known.. Every time I would walk, she would say, I walk like a boy-"rough".. My way with my hair, boy-cut always.. and my clothes (nothing irritated her more than this.. not even my hair).. and add to it the fact that my mother had a bad time when she was expecting me (a supposedly sure sign of me being a boy!) Yes there was a mistake. She was to have 6 grandsons and 5 granddaughters. She was the single most worried person about my marriage. Even now, when she couldnt talk and was critical and had to write on a slate even for water, she wrote asking about my plans of marriage! Such was her dedication towards the topic of marriage and children. and not just of her own but of her neighbours, her cousins, her students, their cousins and their neighbours and everybody human in this world.. When I quit Infosys, she called me up to threaten me not to quit till I get married. When I was a part of the boat club she would scold me for being into a sport so 'non-girl like'. Our whole family revolved around her and going to Mama's place will never be the same again without her constant frustration regarding the colour of my dresses and my hair. She will be missed by the students who still came to her with scholarship math problems She will be missed at every wedding that will happen in our family (she used to have a very special glow when she would be attending any marriage :) She will be missed by all the jewellers in Jalgaon (she was oh-so-fond of jewellery) She looked beautiful when she went. Completely at peace with herself and the world. May her soul rest in peace..

Jung personality test result

"Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population. Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Courage to teach

I have somehow always managed to remember mother's day-thanks to all the hype and hoopla that preceeds it, but somehow, due to some wierd reason or the other, i always happen to remember father's day till the day before, but forget on that very day! this is what happened yesterday too.. and our stupid newspaper guy did not drop the newspaper too (else i am sure it would have had enough reminders in the paper) so well, here is for my him - As a kid i remember, he would make us read the newspaper, one fine day he would suddenly ask, so whats today's headline, for the start? and we would all look blankly at him, murmur some replies n get spanked from him. what is the big deal we would say.. but i know the value of it today. As a kid i remember, when he would scold me for not being polite to guests, I would hang my head and not look at him, hating him at times for these stupid things.. what is the big deal I would say.. but i know the value of it today. As a kid he would sit by me, till i finish my plate of all the things i hated to eat, i would then throw a fit and shout and cry, why do i have to eat what i dont like? there were times like these when i feared him, when i loved my mom much more than him, when i thought he loved me less, when i thought he was downright heartless, i know his soul must have bled, to know what his children thought of him, but that did not prevent him from being him, coz he wanted to prepare me to become me.. he knew the tough way was the right way indeed.. and feared he not to take it in his tread.. all i would say is thank you dad for for never giving up on the jerk that i was and thanks for having the courage to teach me, in the best possible way that there was... i know the value of all the spanking i got from you today.. hope you had a happy fathers' day. your stupid daughter

To Mr. Nishit Pillay,

You dont know me, but I know you pretty well. So, before you start wondering what all do i know about you, let me tell you, we still have not had the time to sit and 'discuss' you. But i somehow know you coz you are Mr. raji and we have discussed Mr. Raji at length many times before. There was one question that haunted us 'ek insaan ke saath zindagi bhar kaise reh sakte hai!!' but now that raji has decided that she wants to be with you zindagi bhar - there has to be something about you. yeah and of course - you have to feel utterly superlatively privileged that she has decided so. I mean really.. Hope you do realise that you are one damn lucky guy :) However here are a few things i need to warn you of - Your life will never be the 'sane' again.. really. You outta get accustomed to insanity now. n i mean it. - The knowing raji process is going to take years! and that is what will keep your life full of surprises for long - She can be utterly cruel at times. but when she comes around being cruel,she will be a double sweetheart.. :) so remember this always whenever she is being cruel (will make your suffering easier) - last but not the least, She will always keep getting sound(?) advice from the likes of us. So i guess i must warn you of us too So all in all Mr. Nishit Pillay, you have chosen to love one of the most awesome persons i have ever met, your life will be very beautiful now on.. so get on with it.. and enjoy it totally.. Congratulations to you :) God Bless..

Great Food, AC and weekends…

Three things I like about being in an MNC. Food. Doctor, Me and Meeta never spare an opportunity to boast about the way this company keeps us well fed… Then there is the AC. I know you would say, what is the big deal about the AC? But honestly, for someone who is not used to the Mumbai weather, an AC is the most beautiful thing that happened to human civilization... And then there are the weekends! Infosys taught me to appreciate weekends a lot. Weekends are like a weekly festival . They motivate you to work through the week. And here, with its 5 day working week, makes me love it all the more... Add all these together, plus good pay, nice work culture and there is nothing that you would not like about it! BUT… Yeah there is a ‘but’... I still can’t get over the corporate phobia. I cannot work in a corporate setting. Despite the AC. Despite the weekends… (Anyways what are weekends? The very fact that people look forward to weekends – despite good food, despite AC - so eagerly, proves the quality of work they get to do) Reason 1: The Boss Yes the primary reason for I not wanting to work in a corporate is the ‘boss’. I don’t like bosses. I just don’t. I don’t like to take instructions. I don’t like to prove myself to someone. I don’t like someone assessing me, apart from me. I don’t like the way people work here – to please the boss, to get noticed by the boss... to prove it to him that you are worthy (of what I don’t know)… Reason 2: 8 hours People work here. They really do. But whatever work I do can be very well done in 4 hours instead of 8. Then why can’t I do it in 4 and then be free for the rest of the day? Why do I have to be here for 8 hours, even though there is not enough work to fill the 4 extra hours? Ans : the boss – to prove it to him that you are there. Working(?). That you are there shows you are committed to your work! (???) I fail to understand the logic (if there is any) behind this. I want to do a lot of things in my life. Work will be a part of it too. Those things are equally important to me. Not more. Not less either. If I work efficiently, and finish all my work in 4 hours, and then give the rest of the time for my other interests, does it by any way show my lack of commitment to work? Reason 3: work In Infosys I did testing, documentation etc. Here too I do that. I guess almost 50 % of my work here is an ‘insult to my intelligence’. When I say this, I know people in love with the corporate would argue saying, ‘that’s ok’, ‘taken’... ‘You can’t possibly get everything....’ But well… I do want everything. I do want to use my complete intelligence and yes I do want to stretch my abilities – by abilities I don’t mean my time management abilities or my documentation abilities alone.. I believe I can do work which is more intelligent. So all in all, my last efforts to fall in love the corporate culture seem to be going down the drain too. I really really had hoped I would like corporate somehow – as much as my mom would like me to like this coz she is scared of the one question that I am scared too – ‘If not corporate then what?’ And the weird answers that I give her for this question frighten her! But guess she will have to live with her fears… Corporate still doesn’t seem to be for me... PS: Any efforts by anybody to prove me wrong above are sincerely welcome.

Miss being homesick

this is what happens when you stay away from home for so many years.. you forget to get homesick at times. I mean if my summers would have sent me to gurgaon or Kolkata, i would have been hostelsick, collegesick (i know surprises me too..) but not homesick. it is wierd but it is as if there is no particular place i belong to.. no particular people i am used to. it is me, me and only me who is constant.. the rest keeps on changing.. movin.. 7 years 7 hostel and innumerable different people.. gues ultimately a stage has come when any type of constancy in my life makes me feel uncomfortable.. It makes me sad. Have I come so far away from home.. that it makes me homesick nomore? that i actually miss being homesick! I so wanna be homesick again...

In wasteness lies the beauty of life...

"There are some people who fake it, some people who try too hard to make it yet there are very few who really live it.."

This priceless quality of wasteness, in today's world of competition and perfectionism, is rare.

Being a waste simply means doing only the minimum (or even lesser) required in any situation.

Be it anything..

Now that is where the whole trick lies.

A waste, over the years, develops his instincts to such a degree that he can simply sense danger.

In any situation, a waste will keep going down n down till he smells danger and there he stops.This is the 'minimum effort level'..

And needless to say, to develop this instinct/skill is the toughest part of being a waste.

That is why some people never make it to even fake it....

A waste literally lives life 'on the edge'. When a waste does only the minimum, he barely keeps himself out of danger. He stands exactly on the periphery. It is on this periphery that each an every ounce of his effort makes a real difference. And this is exactly what the waste really really enjoys!

It is at this edge that waste gets the highest ROTI (Return on his time invested).

He laughs at those people who strive too hard to stay within the safety limits.

He simply sees no sense is putting efforts to be in the safety zone, coz the ROTI on that effort is certainly much too low!

He prefers to use it instead for some other activity. Pleasure is also a return.

He gets a better return on his time thereby. So after doing the minimum to keep himself out of trouble (but not in the safety zone), he invests the rest of his time and effort in having fun! He will do all those things that others will not, coz they are too busy fighting to get inside the safety zone! But remember, insuring yourself, reduces the return big time.

And that is where the wastes triumph and the others lose.

Of course very few apart from the wastes themselves realise understand this philosophy and therefore are blissfully unaware of the opportunity cost of their overpriced safety.

Of course a few privileged people like me, who get to work with the wastes, realise the magnificence of this simple philosophy. This is when the wasteness is said to have rubbed off onto them too.

However, there is a continuous struggle between the waste and the non-waste, especially when they are to work on the same thing. This is where the genuineness of the waste is tested.

With two entirely different philosophies at work, one can imagine what would happen of the work!

In this quest, the non-waste puts in his best effort to do the work his way. To do so much that it is well inside the safety zone, and pushes the waste to do so too.

A fake waste will give in at a point in time but never a genuine waste will succumb to it...

In fact he will show the non-waste the fun in keeping things ‘on the edge’. Of course, the non-waste will refuse to acknowledge it at first, but over the time, the true and genuine beauty of it will dawn upon him in full measure!!

It is at this point that the waste has his laugh....

When he sees that he has managed to show a person a more fun way to live life..

When he realises that he has proved it yet again that......

... In wasteness lies the beauty of life

Any resemblance to 'The Waste', who i have been working with since the past 1 yr, who gave me a learning experience not in how to do things, but why it is best at times to not do them, is not coincidental...

Seriously a 'niche' lesson that was I must say... :)

friends

I wrote about my teacher, i wrote about my parents.. i wrote about my life and my God.. I did not write about my friends.. Wherever i went, i have always had friends who were classified crazy.. and 2 gems in this category are Neha n Raji (names have not been changed to protect identity coz honestly, they take pride in being called mad..) Whenever i write a post on my blog, i wait for raji to comment.. and the last post i wrote, i got pure gaalis for my post.. her perennial conundrum has been, why do you think so much? why? why? why cant you simply be happy? and i tell her i am.. but the poor female worries.. and then takes a promise from me that i would write a happy post.. i thought i will write a post dedicated to this crazy female called raji... i though of what had we shared in those almost 10 yrs that we have known each other, and i am amazed it has been only 2 yrs that we have really been together! i mean after that it has always been a long-distance relationship ;) but what a relationship it has been.. we have shared innumerable secrets.. and coz these things cant really be put on a blog, i will write of the other things that we have shared - crushes... (yeah i know raji will say i stole the idea.. ) We, alongwith 5 other girls in our class in JC had a crush on 1 guy.. imagine 7 girls, 1 guy... we did all sort of crazy things, right from signing on his roll no everytime attendance passed our bench first to downright adam-teasing at times.. we would fight to park our bikes next to his, and we would at length discuss him right in front of him! Today when i look back i wonder, why exactly him?? i mean really.. he is so dumb!!! but naah at that time, it was 'him' all the time.. i remember when one day raji saw 'dumbguy' with his girlfriend and came us told us, all so dramatically and we were all so heartbroken... :) not that we gave up on him.. but still.. and then one fine day, there was this another fellow.. honestly he was the most handsome guy we had ever seen in our college.. and he always wore clothes in the combination of 'blue and white'.. and contrary to our 'mr.dumbguy' this guy was damn smart.. 'blue n white' knew exactly how handsome he was and therefore was a snob.. there was this once when i was going on my bike with mom sitting wid me, and 'blue n white' crossed us.. and boy oh boy, i kept looking at him till my mom had to tap me from behind n tell me to 'look in front while riding' we were so mad that we would, during the 12th paper, run to his classroom to have one look at him, for good luck!!! :):):) i mean really, for all the good luck that he gave us, he passed 12th std with 45% :) and then to continue the streak of craziness in my life there came neha.. now she deserves one (or in fact more) entirely different post(s) altogether in my blog... its been wierd but it is as if our lives are linked.. me, neha and raji.. whenever i want some (un)sound advice, i can count on these two.. whenever i want someone to assure me that what i am doing is not bad, i call up these girls.. they are exactly those friends who will stand by me when the whole world will shun me coz i am doing something stupid.. and surprisingly, we always find ourselves going through similar phases in life! i therefore pray that these two girls be forever happy, (for my sake)... I have marofied a lot of senti to neha, when we left coep hostel, i mean all that rona-dhona and senti gifts and cards and what not... to tell her what she meant to me n what she will continue to mean... but i never really got an opportunity to do so for raji.. not that i intend to do so now, but yeah all i say is thank you both of you for adding the widest and the brightest streak of craziness in my life, it scares me to think that without you, i would have been a completely normal female!

I would have been...

I do not know how many people experience this.. you do things coz u feel it has to be done, that it is the only right thing to do, coz your heart tells you so.. and then you sit back, to analyse why exactly did your heart say so! and now that you have listened to it, and acted the way you have, will you ever regret being impulsive? This is exactly what i am doing now. Was just going through the album of a friend in IRMA. And as it always happens with me, I realise that i would have been there. In those photos. standing with my arm around smriti... outside the mess, cutting cake for someone's bde.. I would have had a completely different set of friends. Life would have been so so different. Just 1 decision. and there r loads to come. Scares me to think "now i am going to make decisions bout my life.. and it is going to go the way i make it go!!!" damn damn scary. one decision and here i am @ bajaj. What made me take this decision? i must confess, it was impulsive. My logic said stay, do not go.. my heart said go... it was as if it said "Go... u dont know what is there.. i know better.." I wondered how could that be possible, but i did not argue. coz i have stopped arguing with my God. but i know i still have not come to accept his absolute supremacy in terms of my decisions. even while coming to JB, i fought.. i gave my sound logic of how it would surely help me better if i stay back.. in the long run... but still it said.. "go" and here i am. if i would have not come to JB, i would have looked at the website and wondered, well i would have belonged here.. i would have though of mumbai and would have thought.. hmm... 1 decision and i would have been in mumbai... now, for every decision i take, will i be going through this depressing process? yes it is depressing. will it so happen that one fine day i will be so happy with my life that i will look back upon something i gave to be whereever i am and say "hmm... oh thank God, otherwise i would have been there!!!" will it become so routine to make big tough decisions that i will actually stop getting into this process of looking at where i would have been had-i-taken-that-rather-than-this?? I do not know. Landmark forum told me to be into the decision that i took coz i took the decision. but it gets tough. you really cant help but wonder "what if...?" today i wonder, "what made me give up AI?" i say again it was God who told me... he dint say no.. but he dint come alongwith me. This one decision was the toughest one in my life... uptil now. 25 days of turmoil. sleepless nights.. depressing mornings and listless days... and then one day he told me he aint thinking it is a good idea. and there it was! oh so clear! he dint say take this up.. he said dont go for it. and i did not. uptil now, i have never regretted any decision my God took for me. and i sincerely pray, i never ever regret this one too... lot at stake, left a lot... a dream washed away.. a dream given up on... in the hope to create something more beautiful, in search of new dreams, new wishes to ride upon. the path is dark, unknown and hard, the road more travelled though it is, my dream is distant and blurred.. dunno where i am heading towards, dunno where i go from here.. but my God has told me to do this, and that is what i have done, laid my faith totally onto him.. the day he disappoints me, there wont be any me..

Yaadein

Regatta again on the KB day this year.
Yes 9th March, for the KB team of 2003, is celebrated as KB day.
This year is therefore special for all those 30 participant of the best KB that COEP boat club saw.. Got calls from friends saying lets go attend this regatta..
Lets have fun.. lets live those days again... but...
 himmat abhi nahi hai jane ki phir waha..
darr is baat ka nahi ki hum waha jayenge kaise darr is baat ka hai - hum wahase wapas ayenge kaise? 
duniya nai ab basa chuke hai hum.. us mod se aage aa chuke hai hum..
zakhm jo dil pe lage the wo abhi sukhe nahi hai par.. sukhne se pehle hi khul na jaaye, is baat ka hai darr.

My Teacher


I was in sixth, he was 60. He, my favourite teacher, and I, one of his favourite students.

He would ask us to meditate before he would start his class, and what meditation lessons they were!

He would ask us to listen to all the sounds in the surrounding, right from birds chirping to cookers whistling. And then relax...

We would of course giggle all the way through those meditation lessons.
Yet he persisted.
He had been a scientist in Germany.. His wife a dancer.
I have never seen a man more proud of his 'girl'. Yes,  that's how he would talk about of his wife.
He is also my senior from engineering college. He,from the centenary batch, and I from the sesquicentenary one. 

He is my mentor, my Guru, my first real hero, my friend, philosopher, and guide.
He was the one who taught me how to fight boys who would tease me. He taught me that different is cool. He taught me how to believe in myself.

He was one of those people who believed in me.

He, somehow I feel, can see through me, even today, like he could then.
He knows me like no one does.

Today I met him after 4 years.
I really do not know what made me walk up to his place out of the blue today. But I did. And I knocked.
As he opened the door, I realised he looked as handsome as always.

'Olakhla ka Sir?' I said.

'Arre Pallavi! Mag olakhla kai!!' is what he said, and I felt extremely happy and guilty.I should have come more often to meet him.

But he was only so glad.
I asked him about his health. "Good" he said.
"and how is ma'am?" I asked. 

And then there he was. After all these years too, the same principles, the same rational words of advice, selfless and sensible and so apt!

I many a times wonder what has made me the way I am. And today I partly got my answer.
75 he is today. But still he keeps himself busy with counselling parents and kids. 

In the one hour I was with him, he told me to decide what my life is. Whether it is 'principle centric' or 'happiness centric' or anything else.

I told him 'principle centric' is too tough. He said it isn't. I feel there are very few people who simply talk my way.
And he is one of them.
He then asked me to read a few books. All sensible philosophy.
According to him, I must always maintain mental and physical health. Physical, by doing Yoga daily and mental, by reading atleast 2 pages of 'sense' each day.
He then said he believes in strength of character than strength of personality because strength of personality needs external approval.
Strength of character comes from within.

He then again gave me the same confidence that he had always given me about myself. 

With a warm hug, a pen and lots of best wishes, I left from there.

There are some personalities who come into your life and leave an impression so lasting that you can feel their influence in your thoughts, decisions and actions.

Kolhatkar Sir is one of those people in my life.

I still remember my first day in his class. He told everyone that I had come for tuitions though I scored about 80%. I was amused. Because 82% in 7th was a taboo in my house and so I had been sent for tuitions.
But he seemed to believe they were too much for tuitions! My first lesson in self-confidence, that was.
He was one person who always wanted to see my name in print in newspaper, and when in 10th I did not make it, I felt bad because I had failed him, but when in 12th I did manage to make it, I made sure I went and met him and needless to say he wasn't surprised.

He always told me to do something different in life.
"Engineering is for the mediocre", he said. "You should become a scientist".
I think this itch to do something different comes from there.

Today was a day of realisations for me.
Today I did something I should have done long back.
Today I met my dear Sir.

A race to lose

The world is out there fighting a rat race,
each one outdoing the other, 
but no one really knowing wat they want
even when they are the winner... 

One fine day then, they wake up 
not too soon though i must say 
to discover that they have lost that one beautiful life 
fighting for what they never wanted anyway 

but when they realise this, its too late 
and all they can do is be resigned to fate 
Is there anyone who stop by to question, 
the stupidity of our daily actions the senselessness of our fight for perfection? 

you've got only one life to live, 
live it such that when the time comes and 
ur whole life flashes before your eyes 
let thr not be any regrets but all along only smiles :)

My maa

Main kabhi batlata nahi, par andhere se darta hu main maa.. Main kabhi dikhlata nahi par teri parvaah karta hu main maa.. tuze sab hai pata hai na maa.. Mom knows everything. I dont have to tell her when i am feeling low. I dont have to spell it out when i am happy. She knows. She simply does. I so vividly remember the day she left me for the first time. At the COEP hostel gate. She was standing under the street lamp, waiting for me to turn around, but i did not.. coz i did not want her to see my tears.. tears of the daughter whom she thought was always the bravest of her kids. I cried in the bathroom everyday for a month after that.. i also came back running home to her.. i crept in her room @ four in the morning and cried to her saying i never wanted to go back... I cried on the phone. i cried all the time. The change was so difficult to take. her bravest daughter was the weakest indeed.. I missed her all these years.. Its been more than six years since that evening under the streetlight when she bade me good bye for the first time.. when this home became a vacation home for me.. but even after all these years i still miss her everytime i am away from her.. I still cry myself to sleep at times.. I still call up to cry to her at times.. i dont care if she thinks her bravest daughter has failed her.. afterall i feel she always knew i wasnt the bravest afterall and so she always made me think i was.. so that i would indeed be brave.... I miss her all the time.. All the time...